Let’s Help Each Other With Dating: For Women

I am sorry this post didn’t come “next week” like I said it would. People wanted to talk, (some of them in person!) which delayed the writing process. I have already shared the bad news for singles and offered suggestions for what men can do to improve the dating experience (and have better success).

This week, we’re going to talk about what women can do better in dating. This one is a little trickier for me because my own perspective and bias as a woman can get in the way. However, I’m writing based on the research I’ve done and conversations I have had with several men. Here are some of the questions I have been asking and the summarized responses I received. I am not including every response or detail I was given, but am choosing to share what came up in multiple conversations or sources.

What can make women more attractive to men?

1. Be a woman of depth: There is no substitute for being a person of character, but this also means being a well-rounded person. Similar to how men doing almost anything in an increasingly online world is attractive to women, the same is true on the other side. Men expressed looking for a woman who is interesting and enjoys life.
2. Cultivate a desire for homemaking: I realize this may be offensive to some (especially if your upbringing enforced that your only value was in homemaking), but this is truly the best way to sum up what a lot of men were saying. Homemaking does not have to be your only job or exclusively the job of the wife. However, I’m passing this along because no matter your beliefs on roles, homemaking is attractive to men! This includes everything from having a clean/orderly space (your car, your house, etc.) to the desire and ability to care for children, to cooking abilities. Though it makes me laugh a little, a high percentage of men’s online dating profiles mention food as being important to them or “the way to their heart”. That might be worth paying attention to! If you invest time in developing homemaking skills, there’s a good chance it will also improve the quality of your life now, even if you don’t marry.
3. Care for personal appearance: Many women are already aware that visual attraction is important to men. Some women might be so aware that their appearance is a constant source of anxiety. On the other hand, perhaps because many women desire to be loved for “who they are”, some neglect personal appearance even on dating profiles or first dates. A man will not be attached to your personality right away because they don’t know you. It takes time for people to really get to know each other so it is an unrealistic expectation to think someone could be attached to you for “who you are” from a dating profile or a few dates. Attention to personal appearance can help in the meantime. Remember, attractiveness is not only body type. It includes physical fitness, personal hygiene, clothing, etc. Women can do a lot to enhance or steward their beauty and their best features without going to extremes.

What are some mistakes women make in dating?

Mistake 1: Playing “hard to get”: This came up in almost every conversation! Are women actually playing “hard to get” to gain the attention of someone they are attracted to? Or is this a case of women not being interested, but not clarifying so the man keeps trying without any encouragement? Either way, several men expressed that seemingly uninterested conversation, minimal or delayed responses, and ghosting (not responding without a defined end to the conversation) are huge sources of frustration and discouragement. It is more attractive to be friendly and give encouragement to their interest or to clearly communicate if you are not interested (with kindness).

Mistake 2: Looking for something very specific or near impossible: Women sometimes look for someone very specific, often similar to them. Online dating encourages this because a lot of algorithms are based on similarity instead of complements, which is probably not the healthiest approach to relationships. It is OK to have parameters/dealbreakers about who you will date, but maybe consider having high standards, but wide parameters. Dealbreakers should be very few and should relate to the most important things, like faith and values. Avoid setting dealbreakers that relate to peripheral things like hair color, a specific career, or someone who shares a specific hobby with you.

Mistake 3: Taking the opening conversation or first date too seriously: This is something I have definitely been guilty of. It wasn’t just bad for the man; it was bad for me because I was so stressed! Women are more likely to want to make sure important values (like job, faith, kids, etc.) are in place before proceeding to other things. Men are more likely to look for a good connection, “good vibes”, etc. in a first date before proceeding to other things. Both shared values and genuine connection are important to a long-term relationship, but it is good to be aware that the order of priorities is generally different for men and women. Women may want to delay some of their more serious questions until a connection has been established.

What can women do to help men in the dating process?

From what I’ve heard, the biggest frustration for men about women in the dating process is that men are facing a constant stream of rejection and unclear signals, especially online. A man of average attractiveness has to “like” or “match” with an average of 200 profiles before they get a positive response back. Then, for every “match” that was mutual, 4 out 5 women will turn them down or “ghost” them before they can meet in person. That means the average single man who wants to date is getting 999 rejections to get a cup of coffee with a woman. Ouch! This stat came from this video (though I forgot to time stamp it, sorry!) which is not from a Christian perspective, but is very interesting.

I think women, especially Christians, have an obligation to build up our brothers in Christ. That does not mean we have to date them, but it means we need to treat them with respect, communicate honestly, and offer grace and support.

As a final suggestion, this video, How to Get to Know a Person, an interview with David Brooks, is amazing! If you ignored it when I shared it in my previous post, watch it now! I would highly recommend it to anyone, though it is particularly helpful for dating.

The conversation is still open, whether online, over the phone, or in person. Let’s keep talking to each other. Next week, I’d like to share ideas for how the community can help the dating process and support singles. Also, a reminder that subscibing to my blog will ensure you will know when future posts come (even if algorithms prevent your seeing social media posts). Thanks!

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash