You’re Not Crazy, Dating is Harder Than it Used to Be

I’ve been trying to write this post for the past year, stopping and starting, erasing and rewriting, switching angles and perspectives, making it more autobiographical or more journalistic. This may not be the best writing, but it needs to be written and shared. Singles, this information could be really discouraging, but it might also give you a sense of relief if you have been sensing it all along but thought your own perspective bias was getting in the way. For those of you who are married, be aware of the obstacles singles are facing and how it is impacting society as a whole.

For singles who want to be married, I am sure many of you in recent years have wondered what has been going on. The dating process doesn’t seem as easy as your parents talked about or as easy as your married friends made it look. Have times changed or is it just you?

It’s not just you. As a single woman, it has always felt like I haven’t had dating opportunities, even when making a lot of effort. However, I felt bad saying that because it felt like perspective bias. It’s not. I’ll link articles and video interviews with experts who share statistics. This Pew Research Center article is referred to in many of the other sources.

Only about 1/3 of men are in a relationship right now. And of singles, only about 1/3 are looking for any kind of relationship. That means the percentage of single men looking for a marriage relationship is much smaller.

Why this is a problem is summed up well in this CNN interview. It’s a fascinating 10-minute watch. It should be telling that CNN is talking about this! Marriage and relationships aren’t only about personal happiness, but affect birth rates and the economy.

Reading the comments on the video was sad. It was primarily single men vehemently stating their intentions to remain single. Why? Many of them referred to women who had hurt them in relationships. Others said that dating was like “paying for a job interview” and they experience a constant flow of rejection. Other articles I read said men who attempt to date prefer to have fun on a date and take it slowly, while women are more frequently jumping straight to serious things.

Another interesting factor contributing to less dating happening…women don’t date/marry down. This article mentions some of the stats I’ve referred to. For the record, I think it’s good to have high standards, but consider what a lot of women are doing while they are single if no eligible spouse comes along? Often, they are pursuing career and/or higher education. When they do this, they are narrowing the market even further. Of course, I’m not saying that the old-fashioned idea that a woman being “too smart” or “too educated” makes her unattractive to men. It’s actually the opposite. A woman becoming more educated and more financially secure makes men less attractive to her! She is narrowing her own market of what she’ll find attractive to an even smaller segment of eligible men, which was already very small to begin with.

For Christians, there is also a weird layer of I Kissed Dating Goodbye influence from the 1990’s and early 2000’s which made dating a very serious thing and then made it almost nonexistent. So much so that some Christian women are looking outside the church for marriage partners. This is particularly heartbreaking to me. I personally know two couples where a Christian woman married a Muslim man.

Matching up with the stats, I as a woman am inclined to think that dating should be taken seriously and that both men and women should have high standards in dating. But is the way we are dating, especially online dating, creating a downward spiraling cycle?

There are fewer men willing to date, so women feel the need to take their dates more seriously (and getting higher education and career advancements while they are waiting), but when men take a risk in dating, women set the bar high, men feel rejected and less likely to try another date, so women get more serious, and the spiral continues.

This video (which is quite long and not from a Christian perspective) around minute 8, talks about how half of relationships now start online, but the number of relationships starting has plummeted. Meaning it is very possible that online dating is hurting more than helping.

This post has been the bad news, but I really think people should be talking about this. Share this post or comment to respond. And because the content is more important than my blog promotion, also feel free to read, think, and then old-fashioned share by verbally talking to someone else. =) I would like to share future posts about what we can constructively do to break this downward spiral. Let’s talk about what individuals and communities can do to help more singles connect and move from connecting and dating to marriage. This not only helps the singles with their personal happiness, but has long term effects on the common good of the community and society.

As I post them, I’ll link articles with practical applications for single men, for single women, and for the community.

Photo by Vadim Koza on Unsplash.