Gift of Singleness or Gifts from Singleness?

“Singleness is a gift,” a dear friend recently told me. Because this is something I hear so often, I want to share my perspective as a single. Whether you believe singleness is a gift or not, I would encourage you at least to think carefully before saying so to a single. (I already had an in-depth conversation with my friend about my feelings on this issue. She was very gracious and willing to hear me out.)

I am willing to acknowledge that there are advantages to singleness, but a hard situation having an upside is not the same as it being a gift. Calling singleness a gift feels on par with calling barrenness a gift. Ouch! Can God do powerful, beautiful things through brokenness and pain? Yes, because He is good. However, not everything He allows us to face is good and I don’t want to lower my view of Him by labeling trials as gifts.

Good Gifts

What kind of gift giver is God? “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father.” (James 1:17) “How much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” (Matthew 7:11) When you are in a trial, it can be hard to trust that God is good and to believe these passages. I do think we should hold onto the belief that God is good even when it doesn’t feel like it. However, associating something painful or broken with His gifts is unhelpful and potentially harmful.

What does the overarching story of the Bible have to say about marriage and singleness? In Genesis 2:18, God directly says, “It is not good for man to be alone.” This is the first thing that is “not good” in God’s creation and the only thing that is “not good” before the fall. And so, He gives the man a wife. In Revelation 19:6-9, all who have loved Christ and have been clothed in His righteousness will be married to Him. All of God’s people will be given to their true Husband. There will be no more singles.

Singleness as a Gift?

But doesn’t Paul say singleness is a gift? Well, not exactly. I think the verse that specifically links singleness to the word gift is 1 Corinthians 7:7 “I wish that all men were like I myself am. But each has his own special gift from God, one of this kind and one of another.” I read this in light of the way God gives different spiritual gifts to specific people in the body. Paul had a unique gift to be single, the willingness to remain single for the cause of the ministry. However, he acknowledges that some don’t have this gift. Even though he would encourage people to remain single because he sees so many advantages, he makes clear this is not a command from the Lord, but his opinion. So, I would say there is a gift of singleness in a sense, but not everyone who is single has this gift automatically.

Some of you may interpret this passage to mean those who are married have the gift of marriage and its advantages and those who are single have the gift of singleness and its advantages. If so, be convinced by your own study. I can see that as a possible interpretation. I will be honest though that this feels a bit influenced by our postmodern American culture which celebrates everything, vaguely affirmative of all without making a clear distinction between good and bad, or between good and best.

Joy in Trials

Singleness is not a good thing, but good can come from it. We are to count it joy when we encounter trials as they develop patience and maturity (James 1:2). We are also to be thankful for the good we do receive. For example, singles have the freedom from some worries if there is no spouse or children to care for (1 Corinthians 7:32-35). (Side note that I might need to explore more: Consider that now most singles don’t live with their family of origin as they probably would have when Paul was writing. This means singles today likely have fewer “worldly worries” than married people, but likely have more worries than singles who remained in their parent’s household. Remaining single does not necessarily mean you are more free to serve God. In fact, singles may be hindered in ministry if they are not close to their family of origin or cannot find a like-minded team for ministry.)

I think what many people are hinting at when they say “singleness is a gift” is that there is good in every situation and we should be thankful for it. This is a struggle for me, but I want to learn to have an attitude of joy and thankfulness. This past week, I made a list of all the gifts that came from being single. I won’t share as they are all very specific to my situation, but I was encouraged by the big and small gifts that have come from being single during this season.

What to Say

Instead of saying “singleness is a gift,” what should you say to comfort or encourage a friend who is experiencing singleness as a trial, not as a gift? This week was particularly difficult for me. As I was talking with my sister last night about my struggles, she listened and after a pause said, “Maybe Jesus will come back tomorrow… I don’t know if that helps, but everything else I thought about saying didn’t seem encouraging.” We laughed, but it was the right thing to say.

Amen. Come Lord Jesus, come! Come for your bride. Make us complete. Bring us into the family with covenant love. Redeem all that is broken. Amen.

Photo by Artem Kovalev on Unsplash