I am anticipating a flood of comments with the success stories of people who met their spouse online, so I want to clarify up front exactly what my goal is in this article. I’m not saying that no good has come from online dating or that relationships started online are somehow bad! If a healthy relationship comes from online dating, that is to be celebrated!
I am saying online dating is doing harm (and though it may not be quantifiable, in my opinion more harm than good). If you are dating or wanting to date right now, I would encourage you to evaluate your use of online dating. It might still be a good option for you to use in moderation but consider supplementing it with other forms of dating. If nothing else, be aware of the pitfalls of online dating and try to minimize your contribution to the problem.
Overall, new relationships are declining: A big indicator that online dating is causing harm is that the percentage of relationships started online has gone up, but the overall number of relationships started has dropped significantly. There are other cultural factors to consider as well, but this is a strong correlation. Though deceptively “easy”, it is not as effective as other forms of dating. Generally, only the top 10% of people have success online.
Online dating is hurting men in particular: The man of average attractiveness using online dating platforms has to “like” or “match” with an average of 200 women before he receives a mutual “like” back. Then out of every five mutual matches, four women will ghost him before they meet in person. That’s an average of 999 rejections before one casual first date or cup of coffee! That constant stream of rejection is terrible for men’s confidence and sense of worth. In turn, lower confidence makes them less likely to approach women and less attractive to women when they do, creating a downward spiral.
Online dating emphasizes physical appearance: Part of the reason why men are being rejected so frequently online is that most online dating platforms emphasize images over text, which means men quickly know if they are attracted to a woman by her profile, but women don’t have the information they need to know if they are attracted or not. Women are more likely to rate a man as attractive the more text he has with his pictures because a woman’s attraction to men relies on much more than physical appearance. Other strengths like sense of humor, work ethic, personality, etc. are much harder to convey in an image heavy profile (for either men or women).
Online dating is pushing out other dating opportunities: It’s almost reached the point where if people want to date, they have to be online. In the last 8 years, I haven’t had any men who met my minimum dealbreakers ask me on a date in person. I promise that my minimum dealbreakers are indeed minimal! It honestly has been hurtful to hear my male friends who I admire even planning trips to other countries to visit women they met online when I have never been asked out on a date by someone in my own city. For women especially, it is frustrating to be dependent on a broken system.
Even when successful, online dating can separate communities: Though the big positive of online dating is that it widens the pool of people you might not otherwise meet, this can also be a negative. Even if a healthy relationship is created (which is a good thing!) it often ends up separating one of the partners from their community, requiring a move to a different city (or state or country). For relationships that start within a community through in person interactions, they are more likely to continue in that community and build it up.
Online dating (like most things online) can cause us to forget the person on the other side has feelings: In person, very few people would just stop talking in the middle of the conversation and walk away. But for both men and women online, it is common to leave a conversation hanging or unmatch without any explanation. It’s just plain rude, but online dating makes it easier to do with less guilt.
It eventually catches up with you though. Everyone you are interacting with has at least some negative encounters (if not hundreds!) which leave them a bit more jaded, a bit more blunt, a little less likely to have grace. Even if you make it a point to be very courteous, interactions with hurting people are hard. Make it a point in online interactions to try to be the last one to send a message and to let them know as soon as possible with a polite message if you are not interested.
A challenge to men: Acknowledge that less risk often means less reward. Would you consider asking some girls from your acquaintance on a first date? Yes, you may still face rejection, but the odds are much better for the average male in person than online!
A challenge to women: If you are asked on a date in person, consider saying yes to anyone who meets your minimum qualifications. By this, I do mean your qualifications should be minimal! I’m not talking about only accepting guys who are at least a certain height, make a certain amount of money, and are into rock climbing. I’m talking about much more basic things like shared faith and possibly a few other major considerations like drug use, smoking, whether they have kids or not, etc.
For both men and women, if you have an online dating interaction, make a commitment not to ghost anyone once you’ve started a conversation with them!
I hope this information will be helpful to encourage singles to use online dating in a more mindful way and to consider other forms of dating. If you’re interested, I have written other articles with more specific tips for men, women, the community, etc. I would love to keep the conversation going both in person or through online platforms. (And if you comment with a succes story from online dating, I’ll celebrate with you.) =)
Photo by Pratik Gupta on Unsplash
Welcome To The Carriage House 
Good points, here. I especially appreciate the attention to breaking up communities. One angle to look at that from is accountability; the people you usually interact with, learn from, are mentored by and/or know the “real you” have no input. I’ve seen this play out with older teens who keep their relationships hidden from their parents, traveling to meet their “match” somewhere out of the city or state. Not that online dating necessarily promotes dishonesty or sneakiness… maybe that’s more for younger folks. But it does remove the real-time accountability of people who know you.
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That’s a good point! I’m sure there were plenty of people dating without the knowledge of their parents or older mentors before online dating, but now it seems that not even friends of the same age are involved in the dating process very often. Having a good community to give advice and look out for your interests is so important.
I find it a little strange that in my friend group of singles, very few people ever mention dates. I don’t know if it because people are not going on dates (which could be the case since that was my situation) or if the online aspect of dating allows them to keep dates completely private if they want. Perhaps there is a connection between online dating and secrecy (even if not outright deception).
Are singles not talking about dates because they don’t want to be embarrassed if dates don’t lead to something more significant? Or maybe they think there is a negative stigma in the Christian community about casually dating? For me, when I did start going on dates last year, I felt that saying something would draw a ton of attention since it had been so long since I had had any kind of romantic attention at all, but I’m trying to get better about talking about it in appropriate settings.
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