Let’s Help Each Other with Dating: For Men

Last week, I shared the bad news. The stats are not good for singles who want to be married (or for our society and economy in the long term), but hopefully this understanding can move us to action that benefits ourselves and those around us.

First, let’s talk about what single men can do better when it comes to dating. (Please understand the heart behind what I’m sharing! I really want to help others in the dating process and so I’m offering what I can, a woman’s perspective coupled with the research I’ve done…and I’ll get to what women can do better in another post) The two biggest frustrations for women wanting to date are 1. men are not asking them out, 2. the few men who do ask are not attractive to them. That means the two biggest things men can do are 1. ask women out and 2. improve their attractiveness to women.

Let’s start with the second one, improving attractiveness.

This article compares how attractiveness was rated between men and women on dating apps. For men’s profiles, including more textual information with their pictures improved how attractive women found them. This is good news for men! It means that men have control over what makes them attractive to women.

It wouldn’t be true to say that women don’t care about men’s physical appearance at all, but they often care more about other factors. If you want to be more attractive to women, make sure you’re working on core life things. Invest in your job/career, faith and participation in your church or faith community, and in key relationships you already have (family of origin, mentors, other close male friends, etc.).

As I mentioned, physical appearance doesn’t factor in as much for women as it does for men, but it does matter to some. Even though you cannot change some physical characteristics, the good news is there are many factors that go into physical attractiveness which you have a measure of control over. Consider your physical health and fitness, the attractiveness of your clothes, haircut and facial hair, and even posture if you want to make small improvements to your attractiveness.

Back to the first point, ask women on dates!

I know it seems like online dating is an easier step than in-person dating. And, hey, if you move from not pursuing any relationships at all to trying a dating app, that is a step in the right direction! However, even though online dating may seem less risky than asking someone out in person, it doesn’t mean it’s easier. Remember, a higher percentage of relationships are starting online now, but fewer relationships are starting, which may mean there is an over reliance on online platforms.

In the last ten years, I’ve only had one Christian man ask me on a date in person. If someone in my acquaintance asked me on a date in person, I would probably go with them if they met my deal breakers (share the same faith, etc.) because the initiative to ask in person stands out so much!

In contrast, my standard before I meet someone from a dating app is near perfection! Online dating is like going from a pond to the Pacific. Nobody can engage with every fish in the Pacific. You have to set parameters. I’m more likely to forgive shortcomings when I know a person already, at least enough to go on a casual date or two. However, if I only have 10 pieces of information about someone on a dating profile, I’m not very likely to overlook an obvious defect. Which means…

If you are online dating-spend a lot of time on your profile!

• Include more written information! (see the study I mentioned earlier)
• In your written information, emphasize what’s most important to women (probably your work, family, and faith). Too many profiles I’ve seen totally flop because the guy only talks about his favorite food or movie. By the way, as a Christian, even if a guy has selected Christian from a list of options to describe his religion, I still will not match with him unless he says something else about his faith in another part of his profile.
• Don’t belittle people or groups of people you disagree with in your profile (For example, if your politics are important to you, you can say “I’m a staunch Republican”, but don’t make a joke about “liberal snowflakes”. That’s just not attractive even if someone is “on your side”.)
• Don’t state an absolute unless you mean it. “Don’t go out with me if you think pineapple belongs on pizza.” Really? That’s a dealbreaker?
• Have someone proofread your profile, preferably a woman. A good friend can point out if you are coming across in a negative way or different from who you are in person.

Ok, so let’s say you’ve worked on improving your attractiveness and take the risk to ask a woman on a date (either in person or through a dating app). How do you continue the conversation? This video, How to Get to Know a Person, an interview with David Brooks, is amazing! I would highly recommend it to anyone, though it is particularly helpful for dating. Go back and watch the whole thing later, but for now here are a few quick tips.

Tips on Conversations (whether texting, calling, or in-person)

• Ask questions. (The kinds of questions matter.)
• It’s ok to ask light questions, but ask at least some questions that point deeper (about work, family, faith, goals, etc.) and give her the option to talk about what really matters to her.
• Ask questions that can’t be answered in one word.
• Ask follow-up questions! If you ask what school she went to and she answers with one word, don’t move on. Ask her how she liked it? Why did she choose that school? Would she change anything about what she studied?
• Texting when you haven’t met in person or had any shared experiences gets old fast. If you’re interested after some texting, suggest a phone call or in person meeting.
• If your first message or comment is about a woman’s physical appearance, that’s a turn off. For me, I don’t respond if someone messages commenting on my appearance, even if it’s “appropriate”.
• Try to spend more time asking questions and listening to her than you spend talking.
• Read her profile information carefully. Remember, she cares a lot more about that textual information than you and if conversation reveals you only looked at her pictures and didn’t read anything, she will probably be annoyed.
• For a first meeting in person, consider something besides coffee or dinner. It is really awkward to sit face-to-face with a stranger and watch each other eat. Studies suggest conversations flow a lot more naturally while walking. Suggest getting coffee to go and trying a walking trail in the city, going for a hike, or walking through a museum. Then, if there is a lull in conversation, it will feel less awkward and you can gather your thoughts.

What if you still can’t get a match or a second date?

This is probably the hardest part. I’m sorry it hurts. Though it’s easier said than done, try to shift your mindset so that each conversation or date is an opportunity to practice. If your dating profile isn’t getting any matches, ask a friend for input. If you are turned down for a second date, ask what you could have done better. Consider all the little steps that lead toward the end goal and be willing to try again after making some adjustments. Confidence only comes with risk and perseverance. If you have friends or family whom you trust, they may be able to offer you really good advice for your specific situation. Community and communication are powerful!

Next week, we’ll talk about what women can be doing to make the dating process easier here. I can only speak from my research for this next one, so if there are any men who would like to join the conversation with suggestions for how women can be better at dating, please share them! Let’s help each other out! Then we’ll conclude by talking about what the community can do here.

Photo by Ben Moreland on Unsplash