A True Friend

The unspoken warning kills. The mute friend destroys the friendship. It has been said many times that communication is the key to a healthy relationship. The sharing of feelings, expectations, preferences, and desires is important. I would say communication that stands up and tells the truth is just as vital.

Today, feelings almost invariably take precedence over truth. I’ve stopped counting the number of tweets, pins, and inspirational slogans floating around the internet which encourage people to throw off negativity and toxic people. There is a point to which this is wise. We probably shouldn’t hold tightly to someone who constantly tears us down. And if you are in a close friendship or romantic relationship with someone who is physically or verbally abusive, I would strongly encourage you to get help and get out. However, I think many people take this to the opposite extreme when it comes to purging their friendships. They see any disagreement or discomfort as permission to cut ties. I fear for these people who would cut themselves off from their true friends for the sake of a feeling. What a lonely thing to live in a world with only the friends who are too afraid to question or too indifferent to bother.

People are often blind to our own shortcomings. We convince ourselves that we know what’s best for us. A true friend, who is more likely to be able to see the situation from the outside, breaks the illusion of self-reliance with truth. Only a faithless friend would stand aside and watch their dear one destroy themselves, but a true friend will say the offensive, but sometimes vital words, “You are wrong.” A true friend risks the friendship for the sake of the friend. They would rather risk temporarily losing favor with the person they cherish than see them continue in a harmful pattern.

I recently watched the 2020 version of Emma and was reminded of how much I love this Jane Austen story. Mr. Knightley is easily my favorite of her heroes. He is bold enough to tell Emma, “I cannot see you acting wrong, without a remonstrance…It was badly done, indeed.”  He is a true friend. He does not feebly submit to Emma as many of her other friends do. He is not interested in flattering Emma or in shielding her from her own ugliness. On the other hand, he does not give up on her in disgust. He sees her potential to be a more kind and gracious person and wants that for her. He says “This is not pleasant to you, Emma and it is very far from pleasant to me; but I must, I will, I will tell you truths while I can; satisfied with proving myself your friend by very faithful counsel, and trusting that you will some time or other do me greater justice than you can do now.” Mr. Knightley proves he loves Emma not by accepting her every word and whim, but by his active desire that she can become better than she is.

Do not to be like children who bounce back and forth between every new teaching and trend (Ephesians 4). Be the friend who speaks the truth in a loving manner (wanting what is best for your friend) and be the friend who can receive the truth with wisdom. Not everything a friend says to you will be truth, but be willing to listen and evaluate. Consider their perspective outside your feelings about the matter.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash