Writer's Block I sat down to write, But my ideas won’t hold words Strange, stuttering sort of author Three black crows cawing in the fog, All the songs I play are minor. I sat down to write, Of teacups, hearth, and heartache, But only poetry came out… But poetry brushed the prose out. Sentences incomplete and raw, Tonight, he told me about- Her.
I wrote this poem several years ago and have held it close since then. Lines of it still come to mind often, maybe because it’s good poetry, or maybe because the situation and feelings that inspired this poem seem to have become a recurring theme in my life.
Single brothers, your sisters go to great lengths to protect your hearts and minds. I hope you desire to do the same for us, but have you ever considered how you can best protect your single sisters? No one should be surprised that men and women have different romantic triggers. The ways you communicate friendship or romantic interest may not be interpreted the way you intend. Treating a single woman as a sister (as encouraged in 1 Timothy) may be completely platonic from your perspective, but it can actually be the biggest romantic turn on for women. Women want to be loved, appreciated, and admired. The way we are wired, it is very easy for a sincere compliment, a little bit of special attention, or a few words of friendly encouragement to be interpreted as romantic gestures.
Does guarding a single sister’s heart mean you cannot be friendly? Or that you must have a painfully awkward “define-the-relationship” talk? Everyone is different, but these are some of the things I wish single brothers in general would do for me to clarify when a friendship is only a friendship.
- If you are dating someone else, talk about her soon and often. I would even say talk about the girl you are interested in, even if the relationship isn’t “official” yet. This is especially true if the relationship is long distance or online. Most girls are pretty intuitive when it comes to reading body language and social cues. If the girl you are interested in is in your normal circles, other girls are probably going to know even without verbal communication (maybe even before you know about it!), but if she isn’t, girls can’t rely on their usual intuition to read interest.
- Even if you do not have another interest, but you are certain that your single sister is not a good match for you, talk about the qualities in a potential spouse that are important to you. For example, is it important to you that a potential wife speaks your native language, is willing to move around a lot, is on time habitually, etc.? Be cautious as you don’t want your sister to feel like she’s always being comparing to a standard that she can’t reach, but look for ways you can talk about what you want/don’t want in a spouse and what you value about your sister as a friend. “I think it’s so neat that you adopted Cocoa from a shelter. I could never have a dog because my allergies are so bad.” “I have a goal of hiking the highest peaks in every state. I would really love for my future wife to enjoy hiking and camping too so we could do that together.”
- If you trust your single sister as a friend, consider asking if she has friends she could introduce you to. This would communicate that you are not interested in her romantically, but would also be a compliment that you trust her judgement and appreciate her friendship enough to open up about relationships. You could also offer to arrange introductions for her. She may not be comfortable with “set ups,” but more likely than not, she will appreciate the care you show and will also have better clarity.
It might be uncomfortable for you to be this open about personal feelings but I would ask you to consider your sister. How far are you willing to go to protect her heart? You’ll probably never know if you hurt her so you won’t be able to “make things right” later. I would encourage overcommunication from the beginning. Thanks for taking the time to read. Do you have thoughts about how to communicate with and care for one another as singles? Let’s learn from one another so we can communicate and guard each other better.
Photo by Patrick Hendry on Unsplash
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